It's Always Hard to Begin....

It always seems a little awkward when you begin something new. Once it gets started everything is okay, but the first part is always the hardest....

 First of all, I would like to apologize in advance for my frequent mispronunciations, incorrect grammar and run-on sentences. I have been aware of this since high school. I do try, but I'm not the best. I could never get a job as an editor. And that's just fine with me because I have no desire to be an editor. ;) And normally, I would get my more grammar inclined friends to proof for me. But considering that this is a blog, we will all just have to survive without their input.

Also, I am from East Texas. So, there will undoubtedly be a little bit of 'country' talk in my blog. And my grandparents (on my mother's side) were called Granny and Papa (pronounced pap-aw). I didn't chose this, but it's what they wanted to be called. -Just go with it!


It is an adventure in itself! ;)


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It has been an interesting past few months. Hopefully, all the changes that have occurred will all turn out for the best. Sometimes I feel as if my entire world has turned upside down... and considering that I now find myself practically on the other side of the world, in England, that statement must be true.... Literally!!! (I think I must be standing, at least, a little vertical from what my friends and family back home are right now.)  ;)

So, I'm sure you must be wondering, "Why is she over there anyways?"

I am participating in a missionary training school of sorts. It is called 'Discipleship Training School' (DTS). It was founded and developed through a worldwide mission organization called 'Youth With A Mission' (YWAM).

**But let's clarify one thing really quick: Though it was founded with main intent to develop the youth of the world to evangelize and serve God, us 30+ year olds are allowed too! So, I did not lie about my age to get here. They know I will be 31 this summer. And yes. I am the oldest one in my group! ;)**


Well, back to my story.


....I know that many possibly believe this is partially my way of handling my grief for my mother's recent passing. And I confess I was actually surprised that I had not received any opposition from my family and friends on my sudden decision to sell my mother's home, quit my jobs, and fly out of the country (considering I had traveled very little and never international) to a country across the globe. But I have received nothing buy support, encouragement and prayers. 

My mother only passed away Aug 10, 2013, and I made my decision to come to England so suddenly it even surprised me! I immediately sought counsel from some godly people and asked for prayer. Every one of them said they felt like I was correct to believe this is where God was calling me. So, even though 'they' say (whoever 'they' are) not to make any major decisions after a loved one dies for at least a year, I decided within four months to make a life-altering decision [in faith] that could change the course of my life forever.... if I let it.


But my desire for foreign missions goes back much further than just a random decision.


My heart was actually pulled into foreign missions when I was only a girl. My mother homeschooled my brother and I, and she encouraged us to support and write missionaries as part of our curriculum. I always loved getting letters back from these people who were in other countries and dreamed that one day I could do the same. When I was about six or seven I heard a woman missionary speak about Africa. My family was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I remember it was set up in the fellowship hall of the our church. I was amazed at all the objects she had brought from the tribes she was witnessing to. I remember longing to go back to Africa with her. *Especially when I found out they used chocolate for medical use over there! What kid wouldn't?!!


I still hope to one day see Africa. (With or without the chocolate.) ;)


My mother would also take my brother and I to do local ministry. Some things as small as picking apples or nuts for elderly ladies who could not get to their trees anymore, or singing Christmas carols with the children's groups at nursing homes, or teaching me to say 'hello' to elderly 'Mother Dora' in her wheelchair before and after church services. Or to bring meals to people and families who were sick or having hard times. Or to host Christmas parties open to receiving any members of the local Air Force base nearby, who had no where to go for the holidays.

Ministering to others is such a blessing. I learned at a very young age, without even knowing I did, that sharing God's love is so much more than just preaching the gospel. It's an entire way of life. And how we live that life is how others will see God. (A sad concept that many of us forget. -Myself included.)

I am sorry to admit that for the last 15 years of my life I have been so worried about 'surviving' that I forgot to be 'living.' And I have also allowed 'fear' to become such a controlling factor in my life that my entire existence has been ruled by the idea that "I can't afford to do that," "I can't go there" or "I'm never going to experience that." Through my own mouth I, myself, have limited what God can do through my life. I focused on things of this earth rather than things above. I saw the human limitations of my situation instead of allowing faith and hope to take me past the barriers to something greater than I had imagined.


I actually recognized this problem several years ago. Unfortunately, I did not know how to change my 'habits,' or I would give up too easily when I came to a block in the road. Instead of trying to go over it or find a way around I would just turn around and go back to where I started. I realized that I would keep doing this so long as I remained in my comfort zone. I began to ask God to remove me from this, and place me somewhere He could do His work in me without a hiding place for me to run to (other than Him).

In 2007, when a dear, godly friend of mine first shared with me about DTS I had felt it was what I had been asking God for. But when I began to raise funds in 2010, my granny died that summer. I was already hesitant about leaving my mother for six months, and that ended any hope I had of going. I could not bear to leave her so soon after her mother died. In truth, I could have just continued raising funds and set back my plans. My supporters would have understood. But instead, I just gave up and returned the money.

*I confess that I had become to believe my mother could not survive without me. It was a lie, I know, and looking back I believe it would have been good for both of us. I clung to my mother, and used her as a crutch to lean on for my excuses why I couldn't do things. And I also limited my mother by constantly telling her of why she couldn't do things. I made her more dependent on me than she needed, and every time she would begin to do things on her own I would discourage her by reminding her of how sick she was. I'm not really sure why I did that. I wanted things to get better for both of us, but I suppose I was afraid of everything changing from what I was familiar with. Isn't it odd that we can deliberately deny ourselves things that are good just because we are afraid we won't know how to live with them?

The best example I can think of is to go swimming in a lake. All your friends and family have already gone it, and they're splashing each other, playing games and laughing, but you're standing on the grass outside because the water is a little chilly. You keep trying to wade slowly in, but every time you just keep rushing back out of the water. You really long to be in the water and play with everyone, but you realize you'll never go in by wading. Finally, you find a little dune in the water and walk to it's edge. With one great shrill you just 'jump in!' When you come back up from under the water you feel cold for the first few seconds but quickly realize it wasn't as cold as you thought. And within a minute you're splashing along with everyone else and laughing.

Considering that has always been the ONLY way I go into the lake I realized that I am a 'jumper' not a 'wader.' I will not change my habits or reach beyond my fear by 'doing a little at a time.' At least not at this stage in my life. No. I have to remove myself completely from everything that is comforting and familiar and 'shock' my system into action! (Not really a bad experience, actually.) Otherwise, I will just keep going back to my little 'security blanket.'

.......

So, after my mother's death I realized that I had no more excuses not to 'jump.' I did not initially plan to go to DTS. I was actually making plans to move for a fresh start and finally go to art school. But I knew in my heart this was not what God wanted me to do. When I finally made the decision to apply for DTS again, every closed door opened. Though there were small barriers in the way, God was quick to show me how to go past them. It wasn't all an easy situation, I did have to pursue this. But, I suppose it was easier to overcome the obstacles when I couldn't come up with an excuse not to. (Go figure that one out!)

I knew I needed to go somewhere FAR outside my comfort zone, not be winter, and start sometime in April or May (after my lease contract ended in March). I also knew if I thought about it too long I'd eventually come up with excuses not to go. (I'm the Queen of Excuses. -A title I will be happy to relinquish!)

I hadn't planed on England. (It's cold.) But God apparently has plans. Harpenden, England was the place that began at the time I needed it to, was in English (Duh!), and was still accepting students! So, I guess my decision was made for me. I applied just before Christmas Eve, and before I knew if I would be accepted or not, I went ahead and applied for my passport on New Year's Eve.

The next three months were insane! God had already blessed m with a cash buyer interested in the property. We closed the sale by the end of Feb. From Jan to March, with The Lord's help, I managed to:
Sell my mom's house
Get rid of (sell and give away) 90% of mine and my mother's belongings
Pay off my car (I now own the deed!)
Get my criminal background check approved by my DTS base
Get my Visa to be in the U.K.
Put the remainder of my things in a 5x5 storage (that was an interesting experience)
Buy a plane ticket [at the last min] for a 'not too bad' price
*Take my mother's little Chihuahua, Darling, to be put down (that was hard)
Get a friend to keep my car for me
Get a rental car and drive to Las Vegas to see my dad and brother, and bring David our beloved buzzard (actually a parrot who's been in the family longer than we have) to take care of while I'm gone
... and I still managed to arrive a couple of days prior to DTS arrival time to help recover from jest lag and take a tour bus in London!

By the time I got here I was exhausted and drained!

But I get the feeling God still has bigger plans for me than I had for myself. Clearly, He wanted me to be here or I could not have possibly have done all those things within such a small amount of time.

I don't know very much, and I don't know what's all going to happen. But I do know that I have longed for something more than just living in the 'daily grind,' and I don't believe that God ever wanted that for us either.

And whatever is ahead of me I realize that I'm not as afraid of it as I once was. I'm actually looking forward to it. Whatever comes, I can rest in the knowledge of knowing that I am free of the 'old self,' and I can do anything I want. Anything and everything that He enables me to do. And, I feel like, He wants me to do ALOT!

I'm glad I made this jump.